“The person you are trying to reach is not available at the moment. Please leave a message after the tone…. beep….”
“Where are you? Please call me back. I have been trying to reach you since Tuesday. Talk to me.”
After a pause, she screamed
“Talk to me!”
She threw her phone away. Ran her fingers through her tangled hairs. She felt weak and wrapped her arms around herself. Her skin chilled from the unforgiving cold. Her teeth chattered together relentlessly and uncontrollably and she couldn’t stop herself from shaking.
She picked the diary placed in front of her and wrote,
“My eyes drip with tears. My walls, the walls that hold me up. Make me strong just…. Collapse! Moment by moment, they fall. Salty drops fall from my chin, drenching my shirt. Perhaps these tears will help wash the blood out. I pressed my head against the wall… baby blue so innocent… I am anything but innocent. I’m trembling. I can’t-can’t stop. Even as I press my hand against the wall it shakes, it trembles. Its raw, everything, raw tears, raw emotions. I can’t stop… I can’t stop.
Why can I not stop crying?”
She went to the window and stared the ocean. The shifting mist. She went out and laid on the beach. The stars twinkled in the dark night sky, causing several shimmers to appear on the placid body of water. A sigh escaped. She thought of him. Then thought of Ariana, her daughter. Mom and Dad came next. How will they survive?
She was alone. Forever alone. No matter how hard she tried no one understood her. Depression, raw depression followed her everywhere.
It’s still there.
She had choices but they were not logical. Then again what is? Lies.
She has the scars. External and internal.
She wanted to run away. Run away from the blue abyss. It drew her towards it, day by day. Closer and closer.
“It is an idiotic choice, but hey, I’m pretty idiotic for not doing it sooner.” She whispered.
She rose and walked towards the wet sand which led to the ocean. There was no one to stop her. As soon as she steps foot in the chilling waves she hesitated briefly, then continues on.
Water up to her knees.
Then up to her waist.
Then up to her chin.
She submerges herself in water.
Her lungs were on fire. She didn’t struggle. Simply fell away, to the depths of the ocean, where her daughter laid, waiting.
BY KANWAL UMAR